Suffocation

poetry

Years have passed,
Memories stored,
Shores crossed,
Lands trodden on,
Friends new,
Friends old,
Friends not worth pissing on,
Friends is a thin word,
Promises made,
Promises met,
Promises hard to keep,
When you slide into debt,
Sun rises,
Sun shines,
Burning away skin,
Feeding the tumor,
That could be,
Prices rise,
Profit margins decrease,
Nothing left to sell,
That is worth a disease,
Beer brings liver problems,
Smoking destroys your lungs,
Fruit full of pesticides,
And the veg in molten iron manure,
When you think,
That everything you have ever done,
Amounts to total fucking failure,
That this demon inside of you,
Is just not going to tame you,
A dragon spits fire,
On friends and foe alike,
A volcano always spells danger,
Even when it is not alight,
When you think of mundane things,
When you realize you are just a slave,
When you see you are just a pawn,
And everyone wants to steal from you,
They want your money,
They want your charisma,
They want everything you have positive,
But when you gave negative,
Actions and reactions,
And stern words,
A soul stressed angry and depressed,
When oppressed in some light way,
By working for 25 years,
Not getting what you deserve,
Not taken seriously,
Your mistakes are daggers,
Slashing at your heart,
The one you love,
Is tearing you apart,
Everything you do or say,
Just does not fit in in,
Every mood swing you throw out,
Is a death sentence for you,
Being human seems to be a noose,
Getting tighter every day,
You have to be a slave,
Just to get by and get paid,
And when you try,
A passion or a craft you have,
And you can use,
The world turns its back on you,
Just after a heartless laugh,
We are too many,
Fighting over crumbs of despair,
Being human,
Is so un fucking fair,
Looking back as you do,
Back to the year 1982.
When friends said keep yourself,
Alive,
The future will be bright,
The future will be yours,
Mainly full of bullshit,
And self-centered cunts of course,
I know a should not do it,
But I admit I always do,
I get depressed too often,
No matter what you do,
It is something in me,
A beast with jagged teeth,
A bitch I wrestle with,
Trying to drown beneath,
Tide after tide of positivity,
But it stalks after an hour,
Refusing to be beaten down,
It is just zapping my inner power,
I tried to drown it in alcohol,
But that made the monster,
Twice the size,
I tried to write down my anger,
Well that got me no noble prize,
When I cage it up,
Someday I will explode,
I am a pistol whipping addict,
With automatic reload,
No matter what position I take,
Maybe a new strategy,
I cannot help this foul monster,
Spewing from out of me,
Some days it strangles me,
Taking the life from within,
Leaving me gasping for air,
As I try to mask it with a grin,
As I grow old I grow weaker,
I feel my struggle slipping away,
As I get old and years pass,
I only see sadder days,
Why should you be a friend of mine?
Why should you read my work?
At times like this I feel so unwanted,
I feel so ashamed to be here,
Sometimes I want to lock myself away,
Shielding you all from what I have become,
I feel like I am the rotting toxic waste,
And the vilest of the living scum,
When I see a world of violence,
When I see this world of greed,
When the politicians steal from pensioners,
And the charities donate to themselves,
When every part of humanity is washed away,
When the church is practicing foul acts,
How can they use the word faith?
In the sermons, ever again?
I had believes once upon a time,
But I have become too fragile and sour,
I have lost my trust in most things,
Losing it hour after hour,
When I think what I need to do,
To carry on in this bag of body parts,
Satisfy people with money,
Working nine to five,
Cleaning up the shit of others,
Is this what it is to be alive?
Colder and older,
Distant and unpredictable,
I am shallower I have stolen my own soul,
I am unlovable when I am like this,
I did this to myself,
I am not looking for help,
Because help is debt in a way,
I feel strangled,
And the red marks are from my hand,
The thing is being this fucked up,
Nobody wants to understand,
For most I am just looking for affection,
I am self-centered piece of shit,
I am just looking for attention,
I am just a pathetic shadow,
Passing by unnoticed,
A person to profit from,
A person that does not belong,
Who cannot speak decent English?
Mumbling all the time,
Pathetic in the way I have learnt Italian,
Hiding behind the red wine,
Everything I have ever done,
Everything I have ever said,
Is just a load of codswallop,
From a sick and twisted head,
Do not know what has become of me,
Sad to know I have failed,
I have upset so many,
Made friends with so few,
I am an untalented mistake,
In everything I do,
Sliding down a dark hole,
To slippy so should I let go?
Where would I go?
Where could I go?
Can it get any worse?
When does the suffocation end?
How does it end?
Can I keep fighting?
Do I have the strength?
Can I rise again?
Like before?
What for?
Why?
I am left with why?
Everything I write here,
Is an earthquake?
Leaving damage,
Outline failure,
Finding cracks,
Shattered mirrors,
Deep down scars,
No matter how you say you are,
Lack of air,
Suffocation.

©Darren Hobson May 2015

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